Coming Clean: First Edition

Coming clean is a section of Josh à la Mode that I’ll attempt to come clean from a lie I told to someone. Whether its a white lie, or a black, greasy, parasitic lie. So, I’ll start it off rather easily…

I don’t really hate Canada, Michigan, Oregon, Washington, or Florida. I just think its fun to pick on them.

So, sorry for lying.

13 foods my life would be incomplete without

1. Doritos
2. Salad (Preferably the salad bar at the Pudgies in Wellsboro.)
3. Lasagna
4. Mountain Dew
5. Tea
6. Rice
7. Snickers
8. Turkey subs from Sheetz with lettuce, onion, tomato, mayo, Italian Romano dressing, hold the cheese.
9. McDonald’s Double Quarter Pounders with Cheese
10. Burger King’s Double Whoppers
11. Whatchamacallit candy bars
12. Sun chips
13. The chicken poppers from Galeton’s Acorn

Why My Life Sucks, Reason #1

No friends much?

Well, it depends on how you look at it. Sure, I have “Myspace Friends” which I affectionally call my MFers. There’s like 4 people I talk to on a regular basis online, the closest is 2 1/2 hours away from me. The others are 4 hours to half the country away.

But when I think about what the definition of Friend is, or should be, I think it should be someone you know well, enjoy being around and see at least once every six months. Thats a pretty simple definition to follow, wouldn’t you think?

Well, not so much for me. You see the last time I saw a “friend” has been over 6 months. So by that definition, I literally have no friends.

I understand that people have their own lives and they have thier own things to do, but c’mon, once every 6 months isn’t much to ask is it? Just 1 or 2 hours out of every 4,380 hours, 4,392 if its a leap year.

So hanging out at least once every 6 months = a friend, hanging out once every 7-12 months I would consider to be an almost-friend.

For the past 2 years and three months I’ve seen my one almost-friend (Who I’ll call WV) for maybe 3 hours, one day, and I’m begining to think that the only reason why he even came over that time was because he was in town for a funeral. Like “Oh great, so-and-so died, I guess I have to hang out with that assface Josh while I’m in town.”

My other friend, that I’ll call TO, and I hung out a lot last year, he came over just about every week or so. But I haven’t seen him since January or February. Last I knew he took a trip to somewhere in Europe or Asia and has a girlfriend. I’ve always been used to friends choosing their girlfriends over me, it’s like I have a tattoo on my forehead that says “Hey, hang out with me, unless you have a girlfriend, or incase a girl shows a little bit of interest in you.”

And I’ve always been one to think that most of your friends are made in your teens and early twenties. After you turn 24 you only have your old friends and new aquaintences, and since I’m 24 1/2 I’m pretty close to being shit out of luck for the rest of my life.

And I know what you’re thinking, “Stop blogging and go out and make friends.” Sure, that’ll work great, “Hi random person-on-sidewalk, lets be friends!” Or maybe I could go to the bars around here, and make friends with the 40-50 year old members of the motorcycle gang who are the only people who go to those bars. “Hey Chains, nice handle bar mustache, let’s be friends!”

The thing is that just about everyone in this town are between the ages of Newborn-18, or 30-90, there are maybe 7 peoples here that are 19-29, aren’t too busy with their 4 kids and 2nd marriage, and have a reasonable mental capacity. I being one of them. And the other 6 are probably too busy with significant others, life, and actual friends that they wouldn’t have the time for a Johnny No-mates like me.

“Sad song,” said the violin.

Josh’s Heirarchy of Friends
- Enemy: You hate this person and never want to see them again.
- Non-friend: It doesn’t matter how much you see this person, you don’t hate him, and you don’t like him. You’ll push him out of the way of an oncoming train, but then you’ll call him stupid for standing on the track.
- Quasi-Aquaintence: A typical convo with a QA usually starts like this: “Hey, aren’t you the guy who *insert something this guy is famous for*?”
- Acquaintance: This is the kinda person that you say hi to each other on the street but don’t invite them to your birthday party.
- Best Acquaintance: A BA is most likely someone you work with, or go to school with. You don’t tell this person about every intimate detail of your life, but you still go to them with problems.
- Almost-Friend: You see this guy at least once or twice a year. During those times you probably talk about what they’ve been up to since the last time you saw each other. Or you bring up jokes that were funny 8 months ago when you last saw them.
- Friend: You see this person at least every 6 months, and are more than happy with their company.
- Good Friend: You see this friend at least five times a month, you invite them to parties and get invited to theirs.
- Best Friend: Someone you see a few times a week if not everyday, you have no secrets with this friend, you’d give your life for them.
- BFF: Someone you see almost everyday, and everyday you go with out seeing them makes you a sad monkey.