Josh a la Mode

My life… ice cream optional

Archive for September, 2007

Everyone has their flaws, but I have them all

Posted by Josh on September 14, 2007

Big list of my flaws (That I Know About)
- I snore
- I’m fat
- Missing tooth
- I’m pretty boring
- Jobless
- Own house/apartment ownership-challenged
- I swear one of my eyes is lower on my head than the other
- My eyebrows are never even
- Virgin
- I suck at flirting
- No $$$
- I got a 4.85 (out of ten) total rating on Facethejury.com
- The left side of my jaw is bigger than the right
- Single for more than 7 Years
- I have no solid experience being a boyfriend
- I literally have no real friends, just 3 “Internet acquaintances”
- No car
- I literally have nothing to offer in a relationship or friendship (hence no friends, no relationship)
- I’m pretty sure I’m starting to lose my hair
- I’ve spent over 120 lonely weekends in a row

go me….

Posted in Gallimaufry | Leave a Comment »

Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Posted by Josh on September 12, 2007

As I mentioned on this blog, I am a virgin. Not just any virgin, but I’m a virgin to pretty much everything. It sucks, but not for the reasons you may think.

sure, I’m a guy, which means I’m required to be horny all the time, even more so because i haven’t had sex (or much else). But I’m not bummed about being a virgin just because I haven’t had sex.

Its more because I’ve never had anyone who loved me enough to even think about getting intimate with me, that’s what bothers me the most.

My first girlfriend, TM, never really talked to me very much. I’d have to go out of my way and make myself completely uncomfortable just to have a 10 second conversation with her.

Girlfriend #2, and so far my only other girlfriend ever, RW and I talked to each other rather well, she’d actually come talk to me without me initiating the convo, which was something I was not used to at all. But me and her rarely got intimate, and then she cheated on me, yet I never got a reason why.

Thus, I’ve never had anyone that really liked me all that much. I was a reason to write notes to one, and a glorified friend to another. I’ve never had anyone, girlfried or not, who ever made me feel important.

Posted in Concupiscence, Inamorata | 1 Comment »

Just some talk

Posted by Josh on September 12, 2007

I absolutely love watching/listening to women talk. I don’t know what it is, but there’s just something amazing about it if you ask me. They don’t do anything special, like balance a chair while they talk. But there is just something beautiful and serene about listening to them talk about their day/lives/jobs/whatever. Sounds strange, I know, I guess its just one of my quirks.

Posted in Inamorata | Leave a Comment »

You’ll rebel to anything (As long as it’s not challenging)

Posted by Josh on September 12, 2007

How many have you done?

1) smoked weed or cigs [x]
2) consumed alcohol [x]
3) slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex []
4) slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex []
5) made out with someone of the opposite sex [x]
6) made out with someone of the same sex []
7) had someone in your room of the opposite sex [x]
8) watched porn [x]
9) bought porn[]
10) done drugs [] not any that weren’t previously mentioned
TOTAL: 5

11) taken pain killer [x]
12) taken someone elses prescription medicine []
13) lied to your parents [x]
14) lied to a friend [x]
15) snuck out of the house []
16) done something illegal [x]
17) cut yourself [x]
18) hurt someone [x]
19) wished someone to die []
20) seen someone die []
TOTAL: 6

21) missed curfew []
22) stayed out all night [x]
23) eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself []
24) been to a therapist []
25) been to rehab []
26) dyed your hair [x]
27) recieved a ticket []
28) been in a wreck [x]
29) been to a club []
30) been to a bar [x] once…. bars blow
TOTAL: 4

31) been to a wild party []
32) seen the Mardi Gras []
34) had a spring break in Florida []
35) sniffed anything []
36) wore black nail polish [x]
37) wore arm bands []
38) wore t-shirts with band names [x]
39) listened to rap [x]
40) own a 50 cent cd []
TOTAL: 3

41) dressed gothic [x]
42) dressed prep [x]
43) dressed punk [x]
44) dressed grunge [x]
45) stole something [x]
46) been too drunk to remember anything []
47) blacked out []
48) fainted []
49) had a crush on your neighbor []
50) had someone sneak into your room []
TOTAL: 5

51) snuck into someone else’s room []
52) had a crush on someone of the same sex []
53) been to a concert [x]
54) dry humped someone []
55) been called a slut []
56) called someone a slut [x]
57) installed speakers in your car []
58) broke a mirror []
59) showered at someone of the opposites sex’s house []
60) brushed your teeth with someone elses toothbrush []
TOTAL: 2

61) consider ludacris your favorite rapper []
62) seen an R rated movie in theaters [x]
63) cruised the mall [x]
64) skipped school [x]
65) had an eating disorder []
66) had an injury [x]
67) gone to court []
68) walked out of a resteraunt without paying []
69) caught something on fire [x]
70) lied about your age []
TOTAL: 5

71) owned an apartment [x] well I rented an apartment, I didn’t own the entire thing
72) cheated on your boyfriend/girlfriend []
73) been cheated on [x]
74) got in trouble with the police [1/2x] it was all a big misunderstanding… honestly
75) talked to a stranger [x]
76) hugged a stranger []
77) kissed a stranger []
78) rode in the car with a stranger []
79) been sexually harrassed []
80) been verbally harrassed []
TOTAL: 3 1/2

81) met face to face with someone you met online [] nope, my “online friends” don’t seem to care that much
82) stayed online for 12 hours straight [1/2x] i may have been online or on my computer for 12 hours in a day, but not really in a row
83) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours straight []
84) watched tv for 12 hours straight []
85) been to a fair [x]
86) been called a bad influence []
87) cursed [x]
88) prank called someone []
89) laid in the bed with someone of the opposite sex [x]
90) cheated on a test [x]
TOTAL: 4 1/2

91) cheated on homework [x]
93) been pushed into a pool []
94) played pool [x]
95) watched 5 hours of mtv straight [] I can’t stand MTV for 5 minutes, let alone 5 hours
96) had a crush on someone 10 years older than you [1/2x]
97) had a crush on someone younger than you [x]
98) wear eyeliner []
99) skinny dipped []
100) laughed at someone who was seriously hurt []
TOTAL: 3 1/2

TOTAL: 41 1/2

10-20= goodie good
21-30= a little rebelious
31-40= getting hot baby
41-50= rebel
51-60= total bad girl/boy
61-70= bitch/asshole
71-80= cant believe you made it this far
81-90= fucking bad ass
91-100= see u in hell

Posted in Gallimaufry | 1 Comment »

Positive Reinforcement or Postively Unreinforced?

Posted by Josh on September 5, 2007

You know how most parents reward their kids when they do something good? Well, my parents never worked like that.

My parents made sure that I knew I was a complete failure. They never exercised positive reinforcement for anything. Like the contest I won in first grade for fire safety week in which I thought outside the box. I told them about it and their reply was “Oh yeah?” and “That’s nice” it was never “Good Job” or “I’m so proud of you”.

When I brought home all A’s in elementary school and constantly made the honor roll it was never “Keep up the good work Josh” it was “Yeah, I saw that.”

Then, during my senior year in high school, I was about to fail and have to take the entire year over again I didn’t get a “You’re a smart kid, I know you can get your grades up” it was just “There’s no way you’re gonna pass this grade”

And when I did pass the grade and graduate, there was no “Oh my! You totally surprised us.” it was just “Well, you should have done that earlier in the year.”

So why did I even end up being a decent human being? If you ask my mom she’ll tell ya its all because of her. Not because of something I’ve done.

Posted in Ab ovo, Termagant | Leave a Comment »

Love = Plague

Posted by Josh on September 3, 2007

TS (12:08:59 AM): you’re too hard on yourself
Me (12:08:53 AM): no, everyone else was too hard on me, and I fell in line
TS (12:09:43 AM): well isn’t it better to fall in love than to fall in line?
Me (12:09:51 AM): yeah but falling in love takes 2 people with the same plan
TS (12:10:30 AM): nope
TS (12:10:55 AM): sometimes it starts with one then spreads to another
Me (12:11:02 AM): ah, thanks for comparing my love to the plague

Posted in Tete-a-tete | Leave a Comment »

My First(ish) Girlfriend(ish)

Posted by Josh on September 3, 2007

When I was in 3rd or 4th grade the cool thing was sending girls you liked love notes. You know, the girls without cooties. So I wrote a note, some stupid, poetic note that compared the girl’s eyes to oceans. The kinda stuff that sounded good when you’re 8 or 9 but seems intensly corny nowadays. So I wrote it and the class was sitting in a 4 or 5 row semicircle for some kind of story time crapola. The girl who was supposed to get the note was two rows ahead of me, even though I tired to sit right next to her.

So I handed the note to MC (b) to give to the girl I liked, RS (b), and specifically told her to pass it forward. Buuut, she opened it and read it to herself, and since i didn’t write anyone’s name on it she thought it was for her.

She was pretty happy that I liked her, and I couldn’t hurt her feelings by telling her “No, its for her, not you!”

So MC (b) was basically my first girlfriend. We didn’t really do much because she wasn’t really the girl I liked in the first place. But it turned out good, me and my friends needed someone to pretend they were April O’Neil when we played “Ninja Turtles” during recess.

Posted in Ab ovo, Inamorata | Leave a Comment »

Consecutive Lonely Weekend #122: Labor Day Solitudemongery

Posted by Josh on September 3, 2007

It’s no secret that I’m a heeeeuge loo-zah. And since I’ve had to move back to Galeton I haven’t hung out with many people. In fact, I’ve gone 122 consecutive weekends (Fridays and Saturdays, not sure about Sundays) without hanging out with any friends or going anywhere other than taking my dogs for walks and going to stores and crap.

Why would I keep track? Go 50 weekends without hanging out with someone and you start to wonder how many you’ve gone. And around 100 it becomes the only thing left you have to brag about.

It’s a record I wouldn’t mind seeing an end to. But like I said, in a different blog, Most of my friends are too far away or are too busy with their significant others and other friends to hang out with me. I’ve come to accept that I’m not important in any of their lives anymore, not even those whom I haven’t even met yet.

And how did I spend lonely weekend #122? Well…. lonely for one, and… I wrote this blog… stared at the ceiling… and blinked a few times… that’s about it

Posted in Nefariousnimbus | Leave a Comment »

My 7 Biggest Crushes of All Time

Posted by Josh on September 1, 2007

In initial form

1. NM
2. RS (a)
3. MC (a)
4. TS
5. EF
6. SS
7. TM

Posted in Gallimaufry, Inamorata | Leave a Comment »

Coming Clean: My Sexual History

Posted by Josh on September 1, 2007

It’s not sweeps week, but here’s a big(ish) lie I’ve told to 2 or 3 people.

I = a virgin

Yep, I’ve told people I had sex for different reasons. Either A) because I never thought I’d see them and thought that they would care less since we wouldn’t be talking anymore in a week or two (I have a history of people IMing me and then never talking to me again in a couple weeks). Or B) they had a much more exciting sex life that I wanted something to relate to them with. I just didn’t want to be the guy who, when talking about sex, says “yeah? and then what happened? And what happened next?” I wanted to be able to at least say “Yeah, that is fun to do it that way.”

It was never because I felt like I had to make it seem like I was a sex god. My common lie was that I had sex with one girl, one time. Now if I wanted to seem manly, why wouldn’t I just say “I slept with 30 women, multiple times each, and I think your sister was one of them.”

And its not just vaginal sex that I’m a virgin to… a virgin with…. a virgin by… anyway, never had oral sex, and never had anal sex (And I think I’ll be ok with remaining an anal sex virgin). The closest thing to sex that I’ve had was the one time I went down on a girl for maybe 5 or 6 seconds before we were interupted.

So, sorry for lying.

Posted in Expiate | Leave a Comment »