Consecutive Lonely Weekend #168: Enter Confusion

Another lonely weekend on its way and saturday morning I was wondering if I’d have any highlights to write about. And apparently I do.

The closest thing I have to a friend, or maybe I should say ex-closest thing I had to a friend, apparently hates me and I have no idea why.

She IMed me saturday with “ohhhh shit” so immediately I think she found out bad news from her doctor, or is in a fight with her room mate, or something really bad happened. And as I usually do with my friends, I begin to worry, until she tells me that you get into a Chiodos (her favorite band) show for free if you send them a pic of your Chiodos tattoo. I breathe a sigh of relief knowing that is not life threatening news. I’m about to ask her if she ever got that chiodos quote tattoo she said she wanted, she mentions that she gets paid on friday. I figure thats her way of saying “I’m getting my tattoo after I get paid on friday.” I have nothing really relevent to add to her last comment. I know she loves Chiodos/Craig Owens, I know she’s been talking about getting a Chiodos tattoo, I even know where she wants the tattoo. Hence, I’m sure she’ll send the pick of the tattoo to Chiodos, hence, getting into a future Chiodos show for free. So, instead of saying nothing which might imply that I don’t give a shit about her getting a tattoo or seeing chiodos, I just say “OK.”

And those two little letters apparently pissed her the fuck off…

She called me an asshole at least twice, said that I purposely make her feel like shit all the time, and that I never care about what happens in her life.

Enter confusion.

So I’m here, trying to figure out what the hell I did. All this just because I said “OK”? Maybe I should have asked her to describe the tattoo she’s getting again, even though I already know about it, and it’d be a waste of time for her to explain it to me again.

So, very concerned that she’s angry with me, I ask her how I’ve made her feel like shit. She repeats the fact that when she says something I don’t care care about it, which is untrue, I’ve always found her fascinating. So I ask her for a specific example of when and what she said and what I said, or didn’t say, that made her feel like that, but she just repeated that everything I say, every single day, I make her feel like shit. No specific examples, however. If, and its a big if, I did say something to her that made her feel like shit, it wasn’t my intent, it’s very possible she misunderstood me. But everything I say makes her think I don’t care about her? I find that hard to believe.

So I compiled a list of things that she might mean, In my still confused state these seem like viable examples to times where I’ve said or done something that made her feel like shit.

1. The time she got to go to an amusement park and camping for her birthday, and I left a comment on her myspace saying “I hope you’re having fun on your birthday, you deserve it.” I totally understand how selfish and assholic that comment is.

2. When she told me she was gonna die during surgery, and I waited by the phone for hours until her mom called after her surgery, and said that she was OK, and the immense relief I felt, how I basically jumped around the room, incredibly happy that she was OK and nearly started crying because I was so happy she was still alive. That was also the sign of a major asshole.

3. The times I go out of my way just to make her laugh, even if I gotta make fun of myself, and usually failing miserably. Muchos Asshole.

4. The numerous times I told her how beautiful, strong, smart, and overall amazing I think she is. Perfect asshole characteristics.

5. When she went to the warped tour and got her chance to meet Chiodos/Craig Owens I sent her a myspace comment saying “I hope you have fun today.” and later on, after she said she was moments away from the best moment of her life, I left a comment that said “I’m glad to hear that you’re happy” (Not to mention the numerous times that I’ve been glad that she had fun doing something or going somewhere). Only assholes get happy when they hear that their friends are happy.

6. All the times I felt bad that I couldn’t do anything to help her health, or be there to do stuff with her, and expressed my sadness due to helplessness. A nice person wouldn’t do that, only an asshole.

7. The times I try to talk her out of hurting herself. Most nice guys would just let her do it.

8. The 4 or 5 times, if not more, that I get all excited about her coming here to hang out, and she doesn’t make it here, but I’m just as excited, if not more, the next time. Starts with an “A” ends with a “sshole.”

9. That fact that I always try to learn everything I can about her. Assholey.

10. The uncountable times we playfully argueed over who loved who more. Most assholes would try to prove how much they love a girl, hence, I’m an asshole.

So yeah, I guess I can understand that she thinks I’m the world’s biggest asshole.

Why My Life Sucks, Reason #1

No friends much?

Well, it depends on how you look at it. Sure, I have “Myspace Friends” which I affectionally call my MFers. There’s like 4 people I talk to on a regular basis online, the closest is 2 1/2 hours away from me. The others are 4 hours to half the country away.

But when I think about what the definition of Friend is, or should be, I think it should be someone you know well, enjoy being around and see at least once every six months. Thats a pretty simple definition to follow, wouldn’t you think?

Well, not so much for me. You see the last time I saw a “friend” has been over 6 months. So by that definition, I literally have no friends.

I understand that people have their own lives and they have thier own things to do, but c’mon, once every 6 months isn’t much to ask is it? Just 1 or 2 hours out of every 4,380 hours, 4,392 if its a leap year.

So hanging out at least once every 6 months = a friend, hanging out once every 7-12 months I would consider to be an almost-friend.

For the past 2 years and three months I’ve seen my one almost-friend (Who I’ll call WV) for maybe 3 hours, one day, and I’m begining to think that the only reason why he even came over that time was because he was in town for a funeral. Like “Oh great, so-and-so died, I guess I have to hang out with that assface Josh while I’m in town.”

My other friend, that I’ll call TO, and I hung out a lot last year, he came over just about every week or so. But I haven’t seen him since January or February. Last I knew he took a trip to somewhere in Europe or Asia and has a girlfriend. I’ve always been used to friends choosing their girlfriends over me, it’s like I have a tattoo on my forehead that says “Hey, hang out with me, unless you have a girlfriend, or incase a girl shows a little bit of interest in you.”

And I’ve always been one to think that most of your friends are made in your teens and early twenties. After you turn 24 you only have your old friends and new aquaintences, and since I’m 24 1/2 I’m pretty close to being shit out of luck for the rest of my life.

And I know what you’re thinking, “Stop blogging and go out and make friends.” Sure, that’ll work great, “Hi random person-on-sidewalk, lets be friends!” Or maybe I could go to the bars around here, and make friends with the 40-50 year old members of the motorcycle gang who are the only people who go to those bars. “Hey Chains, nice handle bar mustache, let’s be friends!”

The thing is that just about everyone in this town are between the ages of Newborn-18, or 30-90, there are maybe 7 peoples here that are 19-29, aren’t too busy with their 4 kids and 2nd marriage, and have a reasonable mental capacity. I being one of them. And the other 6 are probably too busy with significant others, life, and actual friends that they wouldn’t have the time for a Johnny No-mates like me.

“Sad song,” said the violin.

Josh’s Heirarchy of Friends
- Enemy: You hate this person and never want to see them again.
- Non-friend: It doesn’t matter how much you see this person, you don’t hate him, and you don’t like him. You’ll push him out of the way of an oncoming train, but then you’ll call him stupid for standing on the track.
- Quasi-Aquaintence: A typical convo with a QA usually starts like this: “Hey, aren’t you the guy who *insert something this guy is famous for*?”
- Acquaintance: This is the kinda person that you say hi to each other on the street but don’t invite them to your birthday party.
- Best Acquaintance: A BA is most likely someone you work with, or go to school with. You don’t tell this person about every intimate detail of your life, but you still go to them with problems.
- Almost-Friend: You see this guy at least once or twice a year. During those times you probably talk about what they’ve been up to since the last time you saw each other. Or you bring up jokes that were funny 8 months ago when you last saw them.
- Friend: You see this person at least every 6 months, and are more than happy with their company.
- Good Friend: You see this friend at least five times a month, you invite them to parties and get invited to theirs.
- Best Friend: Someone you see a few times a week if not everyday, you have no secrets with this friend, you’d give your life for them.
- BFF: Someone you see almost everyday, and everyday you go with out seeing them makes you a sad monkey.