Play Along at TMI Tuesday

1. When did you last use your cellular telephone as a flashlight?
Better question: when was the last time the word “cellular” was used instead of “cell”? Way to be down with the early 90’s, question… Maybe after I answer this question we’ll hang out, listen to Nirvana on cassette with you boom box, drink Crystal Pepsi and watch The Snorks, and then go rent some VHS tapes… oh and by the way…. the answer is never… nice flannel jacket wrapped around your waist though…

2. On a scale from 1-10, how comfy are you being naked?
In general 7-8…. in shower 9.5 (i always think “What if someone’s hiding behind the shower curtain”… I’m comfortable with my nudity… the real victim is the one looking at me naked…. I’m fat and white as a ghost… I’m like a huge marshmellow…. spying on my naked is a punishment in itself…

3. What is the longest you’ve ever been celibate after having lost your virginity?
Wait… is this a trick question? Can’t count that high…

4. Have you ever had sex in a car? If yes, since you were a teenager?
No, and no… but now “Have I ever had sex WITH a car” that is a different question… same answer though, no…

5. When did you last use food or drink as medication?
Beer: mood modifier

Bonus: Name three words that:
a) get you excited
Blindfolded Asain Girls… I’m kidding by the way…. or am I? (Hint: I am)

b) make you squirm
(I’m guessing squirm is used to describe something bad)
1. cain’t
2. Smegma (DON’T look it up on the wiki… I’m serious… don’t do it… NO!… You’re looking it up aren’t you… alright… I warned you… )
3. catheter (I’m not saying I’m tiny “down there” but the catheter I had installed in me the last time I was in the hospital was HUUUUUUUGE… it wasn’t a small tube… the thing was a pipe… like something you’d see under the sink…. and urinating after it was taken out was strange… ever see Austin Powers in Goldmember… there were some catheter inspired scenes in that movie…)

c) make you laugh:
1. Masticate (I do it 1-3 times a day… everyone does… its normal)
2. Gum (cuz its one letter away from sexual harassment)
3. Kumquat

Play along at TMI Tuesday

1. Ever been skinny dipping?
No…. i look bad enough naked alone after shrinkage takes effect

2. How often do you kiss or make out without it simply being a foreplay activity?
Haven’t even gotten close in the last seven years

3. On a scale of 1-10, how content are you with your life? (1 is lowest, 10 is highest) Do you think ‘content’ and ‘happy’ the same thing?
1.5… I know it could be worse, but not much… content is just a lower level of happiness

4. What do you do to relieve stress?
play with my dog, write

5. What was the special trait in your first lover that made you decide that they were “the one?”
lol… as sad as it sounds: she talked to me

Bonus: How old were you when you first had sex? (positive experiences here…)
I’m positive i haven’t experienced it yet

Play along at TMI Tuesday

1. Who and when was your first crush?
I think it was Rachel in 3rd or 4th grade

2. Who and when was your first date?
I’ve never really been on a “Date”

3. Who and when was your first kiss?
Trisha, I was like… 16, 17ish

4. Who and when was your first partner while “fooling around” in car?
I’ll let ya know when/if it happens

5. Who and when was your first partner while “fooling around” in a house?
if by fool around you mean have sex, hasn’t happened yet (viirgin)… but i have made out with Trisha, again 16-17ish

6. Who and when was your first love?
Difficult question…. normally I’d say Trisha… but then, I’ve had crushes that I’ve felt stronger about… can I pass?

Bonus: Who’s blog did you first comment on?
I have no idea…

Play along at Wednesday weirdness

1. Is there a particular birthday that you are dreading (ex: 40th) why?
Every one? after the 21st birthday they are no longer special… just a reminder that you’re getting older

2. What is your favorite birthday memory?
Don’t really have one… My earliest memory was from a birthday…. it was of my aunt’s present, a ceramic clown wall decoration… not sure why she thought that was a great idea of a present for a kid… but I remember it…

3. What was the best birthday present you ever received? The worst?
Best… hmm… Not sure…. worst, either underwear or when a relative proves they are a big spender by giving you $1-$5… thanks grandma… I’ll try not to spend that entire 5 dollar bill all in one place…

4. Frosting roses: Love them or hate them?
I don’t like cake actually… I highly dislike any combination of sugar and bread (cake, donuts, pop tarts)

5. Do you like when people make a big deal out of your birthday, or do you prefer a quiet or no celebration?
People never make a big deal about my birthday…. I’m lucky if i get a “hey… happy birthday” from my parents

6. Surprise parties; Good or Evil?
Wouldn’t know

7. Bonus Question: Over at Casa ASM, it is traditional for the birthday boy or girl to get carte blanche in the bedroom that night. Who and/or what would you choose for birthday bedroom carte blanche?
Wait… what? *Brain asplodes*

Play Along at Wednesday Weirdness

1.) Do you think you’re approachable?
Yeah… I think so… I doubt anyone wants to approach me…

2.) Out of the two, would you rather be able to predict things before they happened or be able to read minds whenever you wanted to? Why?
Oh man… I wish I could predict how I’m gonna answer this question… I’d say the ability to read minds… Then I could find out what people really think of me… I’m kinda paranoid

3.) Have you ever kissed, fooled around or slept with an ex significant other AFTER you were already broken up?
lol… I didn’t even get to sleep with girlfriends while we were dating, let alone after they came to their senses and dumped me

4.) Do you believe dreams are your imagination running wild as you sleep, your subconscious showing you what’s really on your mind or something else entirely?
Mine are wild… I don’t think i have giant monkeys chasing me around with knives in my high school gym on my mind

5.) How often do you use cuss words? Does your use of cuss words vary on your moods or situations?
I’ve never swore in my life… lie… i swear like a sailor… or a pirate…

6.) Do you ever purposely lead people on so you can get what you want?
Negative… or is that what I want you to believe

7.) When was the last time you did something you told yourself you wouldn’t do? What was it?
um… get crushes on certain people… took all of two seconds to not do that…

8.) If you could meet one musician who is no longer alive, who would it be?
Dave Williams former lead singer of drowning pool… one of, if not my favorite, vocalists of all time

Play along at Wednesday Weirdness

1. Would you rather join the Ghostbusters to hunt ghosts or join the Sesame Street bunch? Why?
Ghostbusters o’course… can shoot proton guns on Sesame street

2. What is the most you are willing to do to get out of a police officer giving you a ticket?
Um… cry? I’d offer to have sex with them… but that’d just get me in more trouble

3. What popular movies do you find to be overrated?
Spiderman 3, 99% of “box office hits”, spoof movies

4. What is in (and/or on) your bedside table?
Computer, Coffee cup, Alarm clock, ash tray, Mountain Dew Amp (my breakfast), and um… other things…

5. Have you ever had or fantasized about having sex with a boss before? Have you ever acted on that fantasy?
No… but theres a few girls at work I’d totally strike out with

6. If you had a personal assistant, what would you have them do?
Type for me… its basically the only thing keeping me from finishing a story, I get tired of typing

7. Have you ever faked static, loss of cell phone reception or anything else on the telephone line to get out of a conversation?
Nope… I don’t get many, if any phone calls… I can waste them…

Wednesday Weirdness

1.) If you caught your partner viewing porn online and masturbating, how would you react? I guess we’re playing pretend here…. IF I had a significant other,and caught her checking out porn I wouldn’t be all that upset… I might even think it was kinda rad, as long as, of course, she wasn’t substituting porn for time that she could be spending with me.

2.) If you caught your partner participating in a sex chat room online, how would you react? Megh… pretty much the same as above… as long as she kept it as just chatting.

3.) Did your parents know when you became sexually active? How did they find out? Um… sexually… ACTIVE?!?!? People have sex now?!

4.) How open were/are your parents about sex? Not very… they never even gave me “the talk” so I figure it was something they refused to talk about…

5.) When was the last time you had a splinter? What part of your body was it stuck in? A long, long time ago…. I think it was in my knuckle… and it was a metal splinter… double ouchies…

6.) If you could only bring back ONE extinct animal, what would it be and why? The tasmanian tiger wolf… those things were rad… but if I could make one animal, which is not extinct, more common, I’d have an abundance of yeti crabs!!

1. Describe the perfect date for YOURSELF… what you would enjoy most. Personally… I’d just enjoy a date in general…. But I’d enjoy it more if I knew the girl I dated was having a great time…. Amusement parks and concerts seem like a good idea

2. Do you lean more toward being submissive or dominant? Sex or relationship-wise? In my first relationship I was probably more submissive, I was always going out of my way to talk to my GF at the time (Yeah, she’d never talk to me in public), maybe thats being dominant, I dunno… I guess I’m somewhere in between

3. What do you usually wear to bed? Depends on how warm it is…. if its warm, I’ll sleep naked (quit screaming) if its cold I turn into an eskimo, wearing sweat pants, and a hoodie 3 sizes too big for me

4. Have you ever seen a counselor? Not in that “I’m going crazy kinda way” just a school counselor for advice on what to do post-HS. Mr Garman was the “counselor”. He’d sit behind his desk, I’d sit in front of it and his nose would still be 2 inches from my face.

5. Lights on or off? On please… but if you mean during sex, is there a way to have them on for me and off for the poor soul dumb enough to have sex with me? Don’t need to scare her off…

Bonus (as in optional): Bonus: Have you or a partner ever faked an orgasm? I can honestly say that no one I ever had sex with ever faked an orgasm… so I have that going for me at least.

Check out my answers, and don’t forget to play along jerk-bags

1.) Someone dares you to eat two cooked bulls testicles for 1,500 dollars. They’re fried, topped with nacho cheese, belly button lint, lima beans, sweat rung out from a dirty sock and maple syrup and you have to eat it all. Are you going to eat it for the cash or pass? Is the nacho cheese warm? That would play a serious role in whether I’d do it or not…. and I’d need a beer to wash it down with… then I might… I think I could buy $500 worth of mouthwash and tums and forget about the whole ordeal…

2.) If you were not getting enough sex in your relationship, how would you handle it? Would you cheat on your significant other? Nah, I wouldn’t cheat… I don’t see a lack of sex as a serious reason to mess up a relationship, as in my non-relationshipness I’m not having sex, and not caring about it very much… But if for some reason it was a problem, I’d break up with the girl in question before I’d even think of cheating…

3.) Would you cheat if you knew you would never be caught? Why or why not? Neigh… no point to it… I have good self-control (not a masturbation joke) and besides, I’d still know, and knowing that I cheated would drive me crazy and I’d probably confess to my GF before I even got my pants back on….

4.) If you could get rid of any of the late night talk show hosts and replace them with anyone you want, what late night persona would you get rid of and who would you replace them with? David Letterman… I never really liked him… I don’t know why, just never had… Conan is by far the best of the main five…. Then Leno, then the British guy, then Kimmel…. wait… scratch that… get rid of Carson Daly… who the hell gave him another show? His writing staff makes unfunny jokes that Carson can’t deliver…. Give his show to Shandi Finnessey…. hell, a 300 pound blob of whale fat would do a better job than carson…

5.) If you could get rid of one day time talk show, which one would you pick and why? I don’t watch day time talk shows… the only thing close to a talk show that I like is Attack of the Show…. thats an early evening talk show…

6.) Where is your favorite places on the body to be kissed? Favorite places to kiss? You say that like I’ve been kissed or kiss a lot… Lips… I figure thats always a safe (allbeit boring) bet….

7.) Do you watch porn? How does your significant other feel about that? I am SOless, so I’m sure she doesn’t care either way, but yeah, I watch (or look at pics of) porn…. I don’t own any porn movies I don’t think… wait…. I do… but they are the uber cheese 80’s porn…. more funny than sexy…. I probably wouldn’t need much, if any porn while in a relationship…

1. When was the last time someone hit on you? What went down? Wait… The last time? I’m still waiting for the first time… I’m missing the part of my brain that tells me that a girl is hitting on me, or flirting with me… So it could actually happen all the time… But damned if I knew… there are two most recent ones that I kinda figured out later that it happened
In person ~ It was while I lived in Indiana (if it wasn’t with Rebecca (wishful thinking maybe) It was with an asain girl that was 2 or 3 years ahead of me in High School and happened to go to IUP while I was living there. She was basically telling me how much of a slut she was (worded differently)… I have a huge thing for asian girls (minus Tila Tequila, that dwarf, taiwanese lady boy hooker) so I probably sounded like a dork at the time… but its better than blurting out “Gosh golly gee, I’d love to have intercourse with your vagina!”
Online ~ Maybe Nicole (very wishful thinking) but if I’m totally misreading everything she says (very possible) then it was probably that lesbian from PoF… Yeah, a lesbian wanted to date me, not sure if thats good or bad… I’m either so manly that i can attract lesbians, or so not manly that lesbians are like “megh, close enough”… either way, dating a lesbian is a ton of pressure for a guy… Lesbians and chubby chicks apparently love me… I could be the worlds most accomplished fat chick thriller ever, if I wanted to…

2. If you were single and could be with any one person, who would it be (thinking singer/actor or someone famous here, but whatever)? Cristina Scabbia, no question about it… I’d be in an ever-lasting orgasm with Cristina Scabbia… like one of those gobstoppers… but you know, a gobstopper with my penis in Cristina’s vajunk… you know what, nevermind the gobstopper… don’t need an ever lasting ball of sugar stealing my glory… A gobstopper would totally last longer in Scabbia’s vagoose than I would… In fact… I’d pass out due to unstoppable orgasmic pleasure by just being within 30 feet of her vajoojoo… Cristina Scabbia or Shandi Finnessey… and/or Vikki Blows… can they make all three in one? With like, stem cells or something?

3. Have you ever had done anything sexual in your office or your place of employment? My place of employment is rather crowded all the time, due to different shifts and break times… So theres no way to do it… Not that I hate my coworkers enough to want to make them suffer due to seeing my nudity… I keep my nudity under wraps… also, finding a willing partner would also be a rather difficult part… or most difficult part…

4. Do you apologize when you make a mistake? How do you react when someone calls you out? Yeah… I have no problem swollowing my pride… but I like being smarter than I look (and act at times)… throws people off… it makes for good timse… whoops, typo… see… I admitted my mistake and reacted reasonably…. You’re welcome…

5. Top or bottom? I wear both shirts and pants… You, again, are welcome…

Bonus (as in optional): Bonus: How old were you when you first had a willing sexual experience? Um… anything sexual? If we’re talking masturbation, then like, 12… if we’re talking about with a partner that new what she was getting herself into, then, I think I was 16 (hand job) or 17…. again, I have no idea how to tell if a girl is into me, (I don’t get things like that) so I’m sure i missed a few opportunities…